Thoughts On A Sister Long Departed, But Departed Too Soon

They’d reserved the largest funeral home available… and still, it was standing-room-only.  You always get a crowd when someone dies “before their time.” I ask you, does ANYONE ever think it’s his or her time? These weren’t just locals filling the hall to the rafters… once word got out, people made it their business to get there.  Her last congregation chartered a plane so they could all come. Really.

Maybe you wouldn’t get that kind of crowd today.  This was before funerals were “streamed” or “Skyped.”  There was all that inconvenience of taking time off from “regular” lives. We dressed in black, carried an adequate supply of Kleenex in our little black handbags, signed a hard cover book of condolences, not a virtual one, and dutifully filed past a beautiful 8x10, guaranteed to break your heart.

In life, if you play your cards right, when you go, someone delivers a nice eulogy on your behalf.  But today, one eulogy after the next knocked it out of the park.  As they say in the Book of Proverbs: “A Woman of Valor, who can find?  Her worth is far above rubies!”

We had been sisters.  Actually, there were three of us before the tragic and untimely demise of the eldest.  Now we were down to two, sitting tight… side by side… hunched together… listening.

Who were they talking about? Was this OUR sister?  The one who watched PBS, listened to NPR and had read “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” from cover to cover?  The one you called for answers to questions on potty training, pre-schools and puberty?  Only slightly older, she grew up beside us, but soon flew past us to college, to marriage, to motherhood, and somehow, under our radar, she managed to sail through so many lives, leaving a trail of lasting goodness.

Somewhere, after eulogy three or four, my remaining sister elbowed me and in a very hushed voice asked, “How do you think I’ll be remembered?”  She paused, and then whispered solemnly, in my ear, her own eulogy, “She played Mah Jong and Tennis.”  I squeezed her hand hard to suppress my laughter, and to keep from crying.

Soon, the events of the day were over.  The last words of consolation were uttered, the last guests had left, and I returned to my hotel room with my mind numb and my heart exhausted. Drifting off that night, I recalled my sister's words at the funeral when she posed the question “how would she be remembered?” Before dropping off to a night of deep, deep dreamless sleep, I mumbled to the walls,  “and how will I be remembered?”

I’m Jewish. Is It Okay for Me to Celebrate Valentine’s Day? – You Bet! Just ask the Vatican and Rabbi Moshe Isserlis (Poland 1520-1572)

Once upon a time, Valentine’s Day was simple.  School children, even Jewish children knew to squirrel away a shoebox for future use as a Valentine Mail Box.  We were well versed in the procedure.  Cover with paper, decorate, cut a slit in the top… and bring to school in anticipation of February 14. Then, we waited to see how many cards we would get… and who sent them!

And what did we learn from this ritual?  We learned about both the excitement and dread that can accompany anticipation.  We learned about yearning and hope and that no matter how hard you pray for something, you don’t always get it.  We learned that love comes from some of the most unexpected places.  And we learned a very Jewish lesson, “Do unto OTHERS as you would have THEM do to YOU!” We even learned compassion.  Maybe we gave the prettiest cards to our best friends, but we intuitively knew that no matter who the ‘in’ kids were and who the ‘out’ kids were, nobody should be left out and made to feel hurt or shame.

Now that we are adults, we can add one other important lesson to Valentine’s Day.  In the Book of Leviticus, we are instructed to “Love thy neighbor as thy self.”  Psychologists say that self-love is necessary for humans to be able to extend love to others. 

Still, many Jewish people feel “conflicted” about Valentine’s Day. With the greeting card industry selling over 140 million cards each year for Valentine’s Day, and with advertisers hawking pajama-grams, and chocolate covered strawberries in addition to flowers and jewelry, exactly what are Jews supposed to feel about celebrating the holiday?

Before I get into the Halakha (Jewish Ruling) regarding celebrating holidays that were originally celebrated by gentiles, I’d like to give you a little background on February 14, both from religious  (Christian) and secular perspectives.

MYTH BUSTER ALERT: Hallmark did not invent the Valentine’s Day card.  Such cards started out in Victorian England, as a way of expressing interest and intent at a time when marrying for “love” was quite a new idea.  The concept of elaborate Valentine cards was imported to America by Emily Dickenson’s cousin, Esther Howland.  Her father had a stationary business in Worcester, Massachusetts, and she hired young girls to make the intricate cards in her home.  It became a thriving business.  The rest as they say, is history.

Fast forward to 1969.  During Vatican II, the Catholic Church removed “Saint Valentine’s Day” from their calendar.  Seems there wasn’t enough credible information on someone by that name to give him an actual “Saints Day.”  (Rumor has it that someone named “Valentine,” right before meeting his doom, wrote a letter expressing love for a young woman, and signed it, ‘Your Valentine.’)

As for Jewish Halakha (legal ruling) regarding the celebration of holidays that were originally celebrated by gentiles, Rabbi Moshe Isserlis, who lived in the mid 1500’s in Poland, explained that there are four criteria that must be met in order to permit Jewish celebration of rituals initiated by gentiles. (Another holiday that falls into this category is Thanksgiving.)

First, does the debated activity have a secular origin or value?  Second, can one rationally explain the behavior or ritual apart from the gentile holiday or event? Third, if there are idolatrous origins, have they disappeared?  And fourth, are the activities actually consistent with Jewish tradition and values?

So let’s take a look and see how Valentine’s Day stacks up. The giving of cards, chocolates and gifts can be explained as rational expressions of love and appreciation independent of possible Christian roots.  (Roots that are questionable at best.) As for the holiday’s idolatrous origins? Scholars say that Valentine's Day is not derived from the pagan holiday Lupercalia.  The desire to express love and to offer gifts as a symbol of those feelings is certainly in line with Jewish tradition and values. As for the idea of a special day set aside for love, the Jewish matchmaking festival, ‘Tu B’Av’ - the 15th day of the Jewish month of Av, is being revitalized today in Modern Israel!

So have a Happy Valentine’s Day!  As your rabbi, I can tell you that you have my blessing.  Throw out the guilt and go enjoy the chocolate, the flowers, and the Hallmark cards! And don’t forget about the love.  Without a doubt, celebrating LOVE is very JEWISH!

Shabbat Shalom,

Rabbi Rose

Pete Seeger and Camp Blue Mountain… I Thank them both For Making me a Zionist by age 10

My earliest memories of attending Bar Mitzvah and wedding parties back in the late 50’s and early 60’s include “flash backs” to undulating waves of guests in circles within circles, holding hands and dancing to “Hava Nagilah,” and “Tzena, Tzena, Tzena.” The first few strains from the band brought everyone to their feet (after kicking off their shoes) and running to the center of the room. Everyone knew the words, and everyone sang. It wasn’t a “Jewish affair” without these songs. There was electricity in the air as guests from all over the country were united by a common thread of Jewish (and Israeli) Pride.

Then, Israel was a new state, so new in fact, that it didn’t have a national “sound” reflecting the youth and energy of a new nation. Then Pete Seeger’s recording of “Tzena, Tzena, Tzena” was released in 1950. It captured that new spirit and was an immediate success, going straight to the top of the charts. I watched a video clip of “Tzena” on TV from 1951, and it was introduced this way, “If you’ve been dancing to this song for the past year, you should know that it comes from the new state of Israel.”  English lyrics were added along with the Hebrew.

On Christmas Eve, 1955, Pete Seeger and The Weavers had a “comeback” performance at Carnegie Hall, having been blacklisted by the music industry after Seeger’s appearance before the House Un-American Activities Committe. Sung during this concert, in addition to the very popular “Tzena” were other Hebrew songs including  “Shalom Chaverim,” and “Mi Yimalel.” Two albums came out of this concert and, as we say today, “went viral.” 

As for that other standard,  “Hava Nagila?” That was popularized by Harry Belafonte, in his concert “Harry Belafonte at Carnegie Hall” in 1959. It became the lifetime  standard of his career.  When interviewed about the impact of Hava Nagila in his life, he told the writer John Leland in his book Hip: The History, “Life is not worthwhile without it. Most Jews in America learned that song from me.”

The impact of Seeger and Belafonte on American and Canadian Jews cannot be underestimated. Israeli folk dancing, Israeli music, and Jewish pride in the new State of Israel erupted. Their voices swerved us from the despair and victimhood of World War II to the elation of Israeli Independence.

The rest, as they say, is history.  College students all over America started singing the songs and grasped on to the Folk Music Revolution. (Note: Seeger’s father was a Harvard musicologist and Pete had traveled with his dad on many of his folk music collecting forays.)  These college students then started working at Jewish summer camps.  They taught the songs to campers who then brought them back to their communities.  Some campers and counselors went on to become professional Song Leaders, Youth Leaders, Rabbis, and Cantors in congregations and camps all over America. And through this Jewish Folk Music revival came a new industry filled with recordings by fabulous, dedicated songwriters and musicians who shaped the modern Zionist and religious music of the Reform and Conservative movements.  They brought the guitars, the drums, the pianos, the tambourines and “ruach” (spirit) and moved us from a minor to a major key. 

Now, can someone explain to me exactly WHY we dance “The Macarena,” “The Electric Slide,” “The Chicken Dance” and “YMCA” at Bar Mitzvahs and Jewish Weddings?

Shabbat Shalom,

Rabbi Rose